This one is a little different than my regular posts. This is more a recalling of what has happened to me in the recent past and how I came to see that I am always supported by Source. I have tied together two very important things in life and how they directly affected me and it is my hope that you will gain some insight to your life and see what you tied together and what you can do now to change it or improve it.
Recently I went through a test of faith. I know that I will always have what I need when I need it; I have absolute faith in that! I just moved back to my home town and one of the suburbs I lived in while I grew up here. While that was all fresh, new, wonderful, and exciting – I was still dealing with deep feelings of loss. The loss of the physical closeness of my family members! Those feelings are intense and choke me up and I cry however as I work on it I feel better, I just remember that we are all One and my heartache lessens.
Physical loss has been a lifelong experience for me. I am the Matriarch of my family and have been for 5 years now and I am only 41. We had a fairly small family and I lost all 10 elders in the span of 20 years, that is 1 every 2 years! That does not include the family that moved away either, I can easily add 6 to that number! That makes it more than one per year!
I have never been a griever in the classic sense, I never went through the ‘grief steps’ of bargaining and anger, etc., it was always the physical loss that hurt me the most. The fact that I could no longer hug them or touch them or visit with them physically is what I felt was my ‘loss’. I always ‘knew’ they were there in spirit the second I mention or think their name however, we live in a physical ‘reality’ here and so we must learn to allow our emotion to be expressed physically. Tell those you love that you love them, hug them, hold their hand. You will give love and you will get it in return. This is soul expansion through the heart, which is sometimes the hardest to learn but always the easiest to just do!
We must learn to live without regrets. To be open and honest with those that we cherish in our lives helps us to know that there will never be questions of loving each other. We are here for soul expansion and learning and through the expression of unconditional love; for those who we care about while in physicality is when our hearts begin to really open. We start to see the ‘bigger picture’ and we become happy for those who have passed because now they are in the heart of Source and what could be better than that!
The closeness of my family physically is what I am missing the most and having strong emotion over and it has manifested in my life through money. Or lack thereof I should say. EVERYONE who knows me knows that money is never ever an issue for me if someone was in need. I had come to a place of financial security through better management of my funds. You see I am a ‘Person With Disabilities’ and I am on a ‘guaranteed income’ that I receive each month from the Provincial Gov’t Ministry. I have other sources but when you live on the system it is hard to find your balance but I had found mine.
It had seemed at though the search for my house and my car breaking down in Vancouver changed that cycle and instead of being gone for 7-10 days, I was there (here) for 22 days! Fixing my car and related expenses to being in Van for so long wiped out my savings that I had saved up for my move. However, I was/am fully supported and the Ministry paid for it! Moreover, it was all at the very last minute, they worked over the course of 4hrs in two days! While I was here I was blessed with a beautiful new place to live that is far less than what I had budgeted! Then my truck rental place ‘upgraded’ my truck from a 17’ to a 26’! This cost me more in fuel but it is paid for by the Ministry. I didn’t need to worry about fitting my things into the truck, they were transported nice and cozy. The way I was posed with the illusion of loss or lack and still found the abundance in each situation really is obvious here to me and was while I was going through it. I was fully aware and kept my feelings of abundance high and I was graced!
Since my car pretty much went Kaput! while I was in Van. I had no way to get home, after about 20 days I finally had enough one night and I got frustrated for the first time! It was at that point which I decided to contact my brothers the next day. The day after that my brother was on his way. He picked me up and we drove back the same night. I am grateful that I had a place to stay amongst great friends – they sheltered and fed me. I was welcome to stay as long as I needed at no expense to me except providing for my own personal things. They supported me through one of the toughest decisions I have ever had to make and I did so because I knew I could not go anywhere (so I had the time) and I was lovingly supported through the process I undertook. (It was/is life-altering and is better in-line with a different blog so i am going to stay general here)
My issue with the money came once I got here and moved in. For 3 weeks straight I had only a few dollars to my name. I had borrowed my pops’ van to get around, reacquaint myself with my area, get things I needed etc. There was no gas in the van and I had no money to put any in. This lead me to feel great feelings of frustration, like I had my free-will was taken from me. Oh how awful it felt. I knew for sure when I was going to be paid and so the payments that come before it, usually, didn’t come until the day before I knew for sure I would have my cheque. I did not have time to put gas in the van and do all the things I wanted because I had to return it immediately. So the day after I got paid I was on my way to take the van back. My feelings of frustration about not being able to do the things I wanted fell away as soon as I left to take the van back because by returning the van I was getting an even bigger monkey off my back that I didn’t even know was there. I realized it was having the van that was making me feel worse because I had no funds to put gas in it to drive it. The empty gas tank was a metaphor for how I was feeling ‘empty’ and by continuously focusing on that, it perpetuated.
I was so stressed about the lack of money in my life especially having just moved in to a place FAR away from the comforts of ‘home’, that being my family. This is not the first time this has happened to me. I came to the realization a while ago that I ‘created’ pain and dis-ease in my body so I could be a ‘stay-at-home-mom’ and so I ended up on disability. I had been quite successful in my career but I missed my children so much and desired to be with them so strongly that my emotional body that was in immense pain manifested pain and illness in my physical body. I began to have more serious and worse diagnoses as time went on because I had much older emotional pain from my past that I hadn’t healed, let-go, forgiven or acknowledged.
I have come to understand that my feelings of money and familial security are tied, they go hand in hand. As I reflect back on my childhood, I can see the correlation between the past and my current. As I am healing my past I am creating a future without that emotional pain or physical pain which all stem lack and loss. We were very poor growing up and we did not feel supported by our parents all the time. I can see how even though I was successful and loved my jobs, I wanted to be with my girls more! A LOT more! That emotional pain came out physically and created a situation where I landed on disability. This shows that it did not matter the cost, I wanted to be able to be there for my children – whenever they needed me! A situation was created where the only way I could stay home with my children was going to cost me my health. “At ANY cost!”
The 3 weeks of frustration I went through due to financial lack was directly related to my feelings of loss of my family’s physical closeness. This was confirmed for me when I took the van back. When I walked into the house, I was shaking like a leaf! It was my emotional body trying to find it’s balance which was manifesting in my physical body and now that I had my family back momentarily I could feel it calm down as I was in their presence.
I had no real reason to be so frustrated before and hindsight is always 20/20! I can see now that I was secure in my new place, bills were all paid, I have food in the house etc. Money somehow became such a distraction to me and this was a truly odd feeling but a familiar one. I used to stress all the time about money but since my healing I have begun to take it out of all equations and it has made a world of difference! The ‘money situation’ was just a manifestation of my missing my family and they security they provide since money in this reality is a ‘false’ source of security. This is why it felt odd but I got frustrated instead of stressed out. I absolutely love how we can observe what is going on in our lives and ‘choose’ to view it as positive or negative whether through discernment of the bigger picture or judgement through just a portion.
We have free will, free will is simply ‘choice’. I chose to focus on this supposed lack of money I had for 3 weeks instead of being grateful for all the wealth I already had in my life. This came about because of intense emotions of loss due to me relocating. It was difficult but I worked consciously at it to change it while in those moments of frustration and I believe it worked. I understand why it happened and so I will continue to stay positive, which isn’t hard these days, and keep offering meditations of abundance and gratitude. I can see how it works when you focus on the positive and that positive comes back and likewise with negativity.
I was completely supported by Source the entire time, my faith questioned it because of my ‘lack’ of money but that was just a symptom of the bigger picture of me missing the physical presence of my family. I had what I ‘needed’ and that was what I needed, period.
There is no doubt in my mind that ‘when we ask, we will receive’ we just must be careful what we ask for because we just might get it. I desired to be in Vancouver so my children could have easy access to both parents and I got it alright. I was also left with a gaping hole where my family used to be. I am letting it go because we are all One and we still love each other just as much as we did when we were together, there is just some (physical) distance that separates us! I hope you can find the ‘ties that bind’ in your life and begin to heal them for you deserve and are entitled to the best life you envision!